Your Sh*tty Childhood and Autism

Is it one or the other? Or both?

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

Inevitably, when any video I post about childhood emotional abuse or neglect goes somewhat viral, a Karen emails me to say that I am destroying America’s families with my educational content.

When this first happened several years ago, I would pause, try to explain to her about the importance of understanding what we didn’t get right in past generations— and how we can find compassion, and do better today, now that we know better.

What do I do now when Karen blasts my inbox?

I block and delete —and keep it moving.

While I know we have an insanely oversaturated media and marketplace filled with mental health experts and many non-experts explaining, begging and sometimes shouting about emotional and behavioral harm in childhood - I still believe in the importance of content identifying and validating childhood trauma.

Why? Because I believe with every ounce of who I am that the majority of harm we experience happens secretly in two ways: in our homes and at the hands of our own caregivers.

This is not to say that every home, parent or childhood is defined by toxicity (and yes, like Patrick Teahan says, it is toxic and it makes us sick —so as yucky as the term feels, it is true). But what I am saying is that we can’t heal or change if we don’t keep learning, remain open, and find new ways to reflect and repair.

I hate it when I get it wrong with my kids, and I hate it that some things harmed them— even when I had good intentions, and even when I didn’t know better. This isn’t to say everything is our fault as parents - but so many of us are winging it because no one ever really modeled healthy parenting.

And, when we are triggered unconsciously by our own children - our brains can go offline — that new parenting book we just read, with it’s great advice - just went out the door. But perhaps the next time, we might realize we are being triggered in the midst of being triggered — and we might realize we have different choices in that moment.

This knowledge has the power to change not only our lives and our children’s lives, but our future grandchildren’s lives, and beyond.

So here are few subtle signs that you endured childhood emotional harm (the most common and least researched and discussed form of harm —until the last several years) so you can find self compassion, seek healing and knowledge and develop a pathway into changing your life (and even your parenting if that applies!)

• Feeling ashamed of your needy emotions (crying, anger, feeling lonely, resentful, etc)

• Lack of empathy “Grow up, get over it, what is wrong with you?” or Excessive empathy toward others "I just feel everyone else’s pain and it overwhelms me.”

• Never or rarely even considering asking for help —but feeling resentful and alone in relationships.

• Dissociation through excessive doom scrolling, binge watching shows, substances, numbing out/spacing out.

• Isolating and being a fierce protector of alone time —because it’s the only time you feel safe in your body.

• Experiencing sexual intimacy as a performance.

• Hating our bodies and being ashamed of our sexuality.

• Chronic self blame, shame and self abandonment (self neglect of needs, not taking good care of yourself, blaming yourself, workaholism, perfectionism).

• Being a people pleaser and compulsive caretaker.

• Constantly scanning other people’s moods and shifting emotions and worrying that anything and everything means they are mad at you, that you’re in trouble, etc.

Yes, that was emotional abuse

Signs of The Female Phenotype of Autism (Highly Internalized Autism) That Mirror Trauma:

Highly Internalized Autism is also being used recently as a term in part for “The Female Phenotype of Autism”

How did you feel about the list on emotional harm in childhood? Were you aware that some presentations of autism might also mirror many of the same symptoms? Are you traumatized, highly sensitive or autistic - or all of the above?

We are still SO FAR behind on understanding the multiple and varied presentations of autism that can occur in everyone who is not a middle-to-upper class white male- but given the fact that to have autism is to be traumatized…..it’s worth examining.

1. Hyper-empathy

2. Chronic Rumination and Chronic Hypervigilance

3. Isolating for both enjoyment and as a trauma response

4. Feeling disconnected from our bodies during sex especially due to sensory issues and sensory triggers (smells, tastes, sounds, etc)

5. Dissociating

6. Feeling ashamed, disconnected or unable to access emotions especially when they first occur

7. Chronic self blame for not being “like everyone else,” and for having a trail of broken friendships that we often blame ourselves for

So what next if both apply?

While there are so many more symptoms, here’s a great video and a great resource to help you differentiate and connect the dots because treatment differences matter.

**Remember - the disorder most given to traumatized women (who might also have actually been autistic instead) has often been Borderline Personality Disorder! As an aside, if you have been diagnosed with BPD but you also have autistic symptoms - please consider an autism screening!

Some great FREE resources are EMBRACE AUTISM SCREENING TESTS

Neurodivergent Insights: PTSD vs Autism

PTSD vs AUTISM

Photo by Lisa Yount on Unsplash

Do I have Autism or Trauma?