The Substance Of Your Childhood & Brain

Every woman I have ever known has some level of hate toward her own body.

There’s a particularly sickening scene in the body horror film The Substance, and it’s not one of the many scenes which involve faces and body parts oozing from monstrous prosthetics.

It’s the scene in which Demi Moore’s character “Elizabeth Sparkle,” encourages herself to go on a date with a mid dude who she had initially rejected when she was younger. She’s trying to get over her issues with aging, as she continues to try to reconcile the consequences of the irrevocable decision she’s made to inject the substance.

Standing in front of her bathroom mirror, after repeatedly trying to leave her apartment, she just can’t seem to accept her own face staring back at her. Every woman I have ever known has some level of hate toward her own body —and the scene hits something so deep inside that I doubt any woman (or human for that matter) can’t relate. Elizabeth tries to leave, then returns again and again to the mirror on her bathroom wall. Maybe I just need to add a little more or a little less….maybe I need to be a little more or a little less?

Applying more foundation, more blush, more eyeliner, more lip stick — it’s never good enough. Elizabeth seems sickened by her own face, and we see her battling her self hatred: should I stay or should I go?

Staying wins. She’s revolted by her own image, disgusted. Standing in her bathroom, she assaults her own face, as she wipes and rubs, and tries to ferociously erase her reflective existence. By the end of the scene, her face is red, rubbed raw, smeared with lipstick. It’s truly horrifying- this thing we do to ourselves in order to feel good enough, worthy enough, beautiful enough.

The Substance is an excellent example of a term we often use in therapy: parts work. Part of Elizabeth wants to try to accept who she is, part of her hates who she is. All parts are at war with one another.

While I could spend hours talking about the history of women’s bodies and expectations for what and who we should be, and feminist scholars far smarter than I am could share a wealth of important facts and opinions — what I want to share here today is this:

society might set damaging expectations for our outward appearance and aging, but it is our childhood which sets the most profound and initial vision of what we believe we are made of, of what our substance really is deep inside —when we are alone with our thoughts and feelings. And research supports that we who we are in adulthood is often significantly shaped by who we had to be in childhood.

So, here’s a link to my newest YouTube video: 13 signs you don’t know who you are because of childhood trauma: 13 Signs You Don't Know Who You Are Because of Childhood Trauma

But what about Autistic Women & Girls who are also victims of society’s expectation?

Autistic Girls & Women: Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disorders

Identity Formation in Personality: Erik Erikson’s Theory on Stages of Conflict and Development

The Art of Isolation

In Samantha Craft’s Unofficial List of Autistic Traits in High Masking Autistic Women, I’ve found endless validation, but particularly as it relates to my love of being alone, isolating, creating calm and peace for myself — through reading, scrolling, watching, walking, cooking and baking, being with my animals and yes, sometimes by doing absolutely nothing in complete and utter silence.

From my difficulty finding, making and keeping friends— to trying to balance that with my needs to isolate - I’ve found that understanding my brain has given me peace, compassion and validation. Autism explained so much of who I was, and why I moved through the world in often complicated ways that no one else ever really seemed to understand.

And, it wasn’t just because I had a shitty childhood —trauma just didn’t explain it all —as some kept telling me.

What is the primary difference?

I have posted several videos on YouTube which describe the differences between Autism and Trauma, and it’s important to not tell Autistic people that all of their experiences can be explained by something like Complex PTSD or being a highly sensitive person or an empath, for that matter.

While it’s also damn near impossible to find someone Autistic, without at least some relational trauma, (and also some research has reported that we are more likely to develop PTSD from even mildly stressful and traumatic events)— trauma DOES NOT come close to explaining the width, breadth and depth of Autistic experiences.

So, here’s a video for all of us who love our own company, all of us who know that there’s an art to isolating. And yes, can isolating too much not be good for you? Yes! Like all things, too much of anything is rarely good for us. Issues like depression, trauma, anxiety, ocd etc can underlie our needs to be alone, and if you are struggling, please, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

But if you’re mostly good (especially given the state of world today!), here’s a favorite vid of mine from Tik Tok using Samantha Craft’s “Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone”

A few questions:

What things do you love to do alone? How does it help you be your best self?

Is it also possible that we aren’t just completely healed, and that we are choosing to be alone because it’s the only time we feel safe?

Yes, and to that I say: so what? As long as I am choosing it, and not losing out on life in ways that matter to me, I refuse to feel badly for loving my own company — any longer.

I love my humans, but I also love being alone. When I am alone, my creativity thrives, my life-long devotion to always pleasing and making it about others dissipates - I feel free.

Signs:

Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing”

One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat (this can even be a familiar family member)

Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, but that doesn’t relieve the anxiety

Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar

Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up

All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about

She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event

OCD tendencies when it comes to concepts of time, being on time, tracking time, recording time, and managing time (could be carried over to money, as well)

Questions next steps and movements, continually

Sometimes feels as if she is on stage being watched and/or a sense of always having to act out the “right” steps, even when she is home alone

Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk (CBT) doesn’t typically alleviate anxiety. CBT may cause increased feelings of inadequacy.

Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind

Requires a large amount of down time or alone time

Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest

Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms

Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, and/or crowded theater

xoxo,

Kim