What Did It Look Like When I Was Happy?

Female Phenotype Autism, High Masking Autistic Brains + Trauma

As I sit writing this week’s newsletter, I am wiping away tears. I’ve just watched one of my most favorite film scenes from one of my most favorite books: Eat. Pray. Love. The scene that always makes me cry is the one where Liz Gilbert goes to an Indian wedding with Richard from Texas, and the experience triggers her still deeply unresolved divorce grief.

Just before she leaves the wedding she has a conversation with a young bride who has been forced into marriage by her parents. Liz (Julia Roberts) has been praying for her happiness, but it’s a sad exchange: “What did it look like......when I was happy?”

Why has this particular scene made me cry? Because I have struggled with real happiness for most of my life. As an avid over-thinker and over-feeler, someone with too much empathy and too many thoughts - happiness has been elusive. Can I laugh most days and find little moments of joy? Yes, but.

I say yes, but — because I believe with every ounce of my being that the combination of a lifetime of trauma, alongside a neurodivergent brain, has made it feel like consistent happiness is always just beyond my reach.

It’s quite a challenging prospect to even stay in contentment with a never ending train of trauma, and a brain that is always anxious, always playing out 10 different scenarios, a brain that is overly focused on justice and worried about others — while at the same time that brain has been trained to hyper-focus, to be hyper-vigilant to other people’s big emotions —while also believing it’s my job to emotionally regulate everyone else, all of the time.

It’s left little time for me to focus on my own emotions - and yet, having an autistic brain (for me) feels like I simultaneously over feel and over think every single damn thought and emotion of my own— while also absorbing everyone else’s thoughts and emotions. It’s so fucking exhausting.

And yet, I know that I am not alone. When I read through the newest research on high masking autism in women and girls - on the continually emerging research finding a “female phenotype” or socially internalizing type of autism - I finally have a way to make sense of myself. To validate myself.

“Socializing, Sensitivity/Sensory Issues and Finding Refuge Alone”

(these are just 3 categories from Samantha Craft’s Unofficial List of Autistic Traits)

Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

Section E: Social Interaction

Friends have ended friendship suddenly (without female with AS understanding why) and/or difficult time making friends

Tendency to overshare

Spills intimate details to strangers

Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class

Little impulse control with speaking when younger

Monopolizes conversation at times

Brings subject back to self

Comes across at times as narcissistic and controlling (is not narcissistic)

Shares in order to reach out

Often sounds eager and over-zealous or apathetic and disinterested

Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside

Feels as if she is attempting to communicate “correctly”

Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest or feasible new friendship

Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, body stance, and posture in conversation

Conversation are often exhausting

Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually

Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-filter

Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people

Visualizes and practices how she will act around others

Practices/rehearses in mind what she will say to another before entering the room

Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others

Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situation

Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, inappropriate, or different from others

As a child it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk

Finds norms of conversation confusing

Finds unwritten and unspoken rules difficult to grasp, remember, and apply

Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone

Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing”

One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat (this can even be a familiar family member)

Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, but that doesn’t relieve the anxiety

Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar

Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up

All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about

She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event

OCD tendencies when it comes to concepts of time, being on time, tracking time, recording time, and managing time (could be carried over to money, as well)

Questions next steps and movements, continually

Sometimes feels as if she is on stage being watched and/or a sense of always having to act out the “right” steps, even when she is home alone

Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk (CBT) doesn’t typically alleviate anxiety. CBT may cause increased feelings of inadequacy.

Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind

Requires a large amount of down time or alone time

Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest

Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms

Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, and/or crowded theater

Section G: Sensitive

Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep

Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort

Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature

Highly intuitive to others’ feelings

Highly empathetic, sometimes to the point of confusion

Takes criticism to heart

Longs to be seen, heard, and understood

Questions if she is a “normal” person

Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions

At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words

Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily, if not hourly

Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work

Views many things as an extension of self

Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment

Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people

Collects or rescues animals (often in childhood)

Huge compassion for suffering (sometimes for inanimate objects/personification)

Sensitive to substances (environmental toxins, foods, alcohol, medication, hormones, etc.)

Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action

Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person

Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts

Do you see yourself in these lists? Here’s the full list for further review:

Female Autism Traits

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Is it just me, or does it seem like being consistently content seems quite challenging for those of us with trauma and neurodivergence - especially right now? (forget about happy! that’s too much of a stretch!)

So, what can we do? Well, this substack would need to be another 500 pages long - but I can tell you that focusing on my animals (ie my newest baby kitten Bear:), my kids, my favorite shows and music, taking walks along the seaside, eating yummy food, taking time alone with zero input/noise from anyone or anything, and writing - bring me as close to happy as I am able.

I am learning to keep my expectations simple, basic and minimal - essentially I am trying to NOT over-think and over-feel my happiness one way or the other.

Most days it works, some days, some weeks it doesn’t.

And, you know what, that is ok with me.

What about you?

xo

13 Signs You Might Be Autistic

Link above to YouTube vids:)